Ah, the future.

I'm posting again! That's right, you are once again free to view the true, yet quite possibly uninteresting, thoughts of Kayla Kutz.

The theme of my late summer thinking has been growing up. Jenny told me soon after TOS that Katie and Jeremy were engaged. I used to live by Katie... we would play on her gigantic swing set and she would tell me the really smart things she was learning in school (much more interesting than my simple math and english grammar, of course). And now, she's engaged. That makes me feel very old, even if I am only going to be a senior in high school.

On top of that, most of the people I've been hanging out with and talking to this summer are older than I am... be it a couple years, or several. They've shared with me insights and knowledge that would have taken me far longer to come to on my own. When I was working at tos, I got to talking to one of the other vendors. He said I was like "an old jewish woman in a seventeen-year-old's body," commenting on my "grandmother wisdom." The thing is, that wisdom isn't mine at all. It came from people who earned it by living. Although I feel a little like I'm cheating by being given these bits of insight, it does make me feel older. More able to wait, to listen, to observe, to be content where I am and not afraid to move on should the opportunity come.

I'm excited about getting older, about "growing up" and seeing what waits for me. I'm excited about meeting new people and getting closer to people I already know. I'm excited to learn, to understand, to adapt, and to hold firmly to that which is my foundation. I'm excited to be reproached in the future when I lose sight of the Gospel in its purity, because every time I am corrected the knowledge of that Gospel is assured in me.

In light of all this excitement, however, there is a tinge of sadness. I am leaving a point in my life behind. Soon there will be more responsibilities to take care of. Soon things beyond decent schoolwork will be expected of me. Soon the time in my life when it's easy to go back will be over, and the choices I make will be more permanent. Soon opportunities and chances will be gone, lost forever in the tide of might-have-beens.

My life is going determinedly onward, and most of the time I cant tell if it's being pushed or pulled. There are things past and present I want to leave behind that cause me to strain forward, and things I hold on to for fear that time will draw me helplessly away from them. It's scary, growing older. Something I'm able to smile about, but something scary and dangerous as well. I don't want the wonderful people of my present to become mere memories in my future, though I'm sure that is the fate of some of them. I don't want to forget what I hold dear now.

While the future holds many uncertainties, many fears, and no doubt many trials, I have resolved not to fear it. I will learn to be content with whatever comes my way. I know that the Holy Spirit will keep me in the one true faith, and as long as I have that I'll be good to go : ). I have been crucified with Christ, and born again of water and the Word. All my fear and worry, my doubt and unbelief, pain now and pain to come, the troubles that await me, have been taken to the cross. Christ has secured my future as a redeemed heir to eternal life... and compared to that, this life is hardly a breath. I will not fear the unknown, because Christ has been made known to me - and He will never change.


Why should cross and trial grieve me?
Christ is near, with His cheer;
Never will He leave me.
Who can rob me of the heaven
That God's Son for me has won
When His life was given?

When life's troubles rise to meet me,
Though their weight may be great,
They will not defeat me.
God, my loving Savior, sends them;
He who knows all my woes
Knows how best to end them.

God gives me my days of gladness,
And I will trust Him still
When he sends me sadness.
God is good; His love attends me
Day by day, come what may,
Guides me and defends me.

From God's joy can nothing sever,
For I am His dear lamb,
He, my Shepherd ever.
I am His because He gave me
His own blood for my good,
By His death to save me.

Now in Christ, death cannot slay me,
Though it might, day and night
Trouble and dismay me.
Christ has made my death a portal
From the strife of this life
To His joy immortal!

LSB 756

A Taste of Summer

This is a speed-post... something more structured is in the works. Storms are amazing

I've probably told you all of this already, but I'm going to put a bit of the experience down here anyway. Thus far, A Taste of Summer proved true to its name... it was a very rainy year, and I'm not sure we've gone a day since with out a bit of precipitation. One pair of tennis shoes was damaged in the insane rain at the festival... I think I should charge those bands for it : P. if they didnt need their soda, water, and beer, I wouldnt have been stuck at mainstage crossing ponds to get from trailer to trailer. Then again... I suppose dancing through the flooded grounds might have had something to do with it... hmm...

Anywho, the office was just as hectic as I remembered. We were told to give people less information than we had in order to make the job easier... things were forgotten and remembered regardless of their importance... and, of course, the Gratz's n' co. did little to take care of themselves. Hence the reason for waking up early to make toast and give wakeup calls : ). All in all, the crew survived. There were teary moments, times when it was easier to simply cease to care, and early hours of the morning (after clockhours and before) when everyone was slap-happy... all of this supplimented by a whole lot of caffiene. Oh yes... and unorganization at its finest, of course

So that was my festival fun. It'll be interesting to get the paycheck... ah well. what will be will be. Like I said there's a post with more thought put into it on the way. Hopefully soon. Hehe and oh yeah... remind me sometime not to get a SoT book when I'm trying to accomplish getting through the Bible...

Africa

This song was in my head today. I was looking around YouTube to find an a cappella group that could sing it (cuz i know there are some great arrangements), but nothing really stuck out. This guy makes it sound cool on the guitar though : )

An Update

Alright - as requested, the current thoughts of Kayla Kutz. Nothing "deep", just what's on my mind

Yesterday I went and had my fun little meeting with Mr. Bangert about college and senior year, that sort of thing. It was overall quite uneventful... he asked if I had any idea where I wanted to go, I said a private school, he asked what I wanted to do, I said I wasn't quite sure. This meeting, however uneventful, represents the source of some anxiety for me: what I'm going to do with my life. Everyone has their opinions to give... my parents are encouraging me to go into the medical field - with good reason. Job security, not having to live paycheck to paycheck, an honorable title... who would blame them for wanting that for their child. I've been doing this "medical explorers" program at waukesha memorial... it's cool... I get to job shadow, see fun stuff like pacemakers put in and everything. If there's something not so educational that I've taken from it, though, it's that I dont really like hospitals. They just seem too cold and sterile for my liking. Mr. Wiegert suggested that I become an elementary band teacher : ). I personally really like this idea - I love music, like to teach, and have a good amount of patience with kids. When I presented this to my mom, however, she said that I would not be making the most of my talents.

And so, here is my dilemma: to find a job that I can really enjoy, and that makes sufficient use of what I'm good at... and that my parents can respect. They're so concerned about the money part... "If you can get a high-paying job that you'll enjoy, why wouldnt you pick that over a low-paying one?" Aka why teach when I could be a doctor, or something of the sort. I'm not sure I know the answer... it all makes for a very clouded future.

But back to the present. I'm really hoping my parents let me go to church tonight... I havent communed for three weeks and it's driving me crazy! Singing about it is certainly wonderful, but nothing beats the true body and blood of the Lord. On the bright side, I did get to pray compline... in a chapel, in the company of some awesome people... with incense! most definately the highlight of my week : ) I've been given quite a blessing in the lot of you.

So there you have it... the current joys and anxieties of Kayla Kutz. Hehe oh yeah - here's one of those awesome things I didnt mention before:

We praise You and acknowledge You, O God, to be the Lord,

The Father everlasting, by all the earth adored.

To You all angel powers cry aloud, the heavens sing,

The cherubim and seraphim their praises to You bring:

"O holy, holy, holy Lord God of Sabaoth;

Your Majesty and glory fill the heavens and the earth!"

You, Christ, are King of glory, the everlasting Son,

Yet You, with boundless love, sought to rescue ev'ryone:

You laid aside Your glory, were born of virgin's womb,

Were crucified for us and were placed into a tomb;

Then by Your resurrection You won for us reprieve-

You opened heaven's kingdom to all who would believe.

Smiles

I've been reminiscing lately. About grade school, about old high school times, about my past in general. Things pop up all over the place that remind me of someone or something or sometime. It's an intriguing experience that I havent really had before.


For example... I was driving my mom home from her choir practice, and she decided we should stop at the grocery store. About thirty seconds from the entrance, a whole new world came on the radio. : ) I was excited, and surprised, and all at once a tide of memories came flooding to the forefront of my mind. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to just sit back with your eyes closed and exist. Unfortunately, that's not the best plan while you're driving towards a building. So my mother tactfully advised me to slow down and sit normally, which i did... but I couldnt get rid of the subconcious smile that was fueled by memories of cast parties and band tours, senior servant days and a trip to Florida with good friends.

Other than in remembering these wonderful times, that smile with a mind of its own pops up in various places. When I'm reading, when I hear a good song, when something becomes clear... and when I'm hearing about Christ. Plain and simple, no strings attached glorification and proclamation of everything He has done and is doing... in that I cannot help but smile. I smile a lot, I know I do. I cannot help it - and in this there is not fleeting joy that comes from memories, but a living, present joy that no amount of time can erase.